Why I Am Scared To Fall In Love

I am scared to open up and show the real me to a girl. I used to be different but certain three chicks changed my perspective about the whole womankind. So now, I either ghost them or break up with them but never fall in love!

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve loved most of the girls who were kind to me but never have I even once told them about my feelings towards them until 10th grade when I became friends with my friend’s girlfriend.

I was totally oblivious about my feelings towards her at first and thought that I had found a good and truly worthy friend for life. And just like that our “good friends” status reached “best friends for life” status, thanks to Facebook. We used to chat upto 3 a.m. and we even promised each other to run away to see the world and of course my friend had no knowledge about my “just friends” growing relationship with his girlfriend.

Then i began to realize that I am in mad love with her and whatever topic I used to wander about, it eventually used to end up with her.

So I decided to propose her and one night I did

I asked her ,” Do you love me?” ,

She replied ,”Duh! You’re my best friend dummy, of course I love you”.

What I thought about us in my mind and what we actually were. These two turned out to be as different as day and night.

I said,” I don’t just love you as a friend, I actually love you and want to marry you”. And yes I was still a 10th grader at that time.

She said,” Why are you behaving like this! I don’t like this! Everyone’s the same! Why can’t you be just a friend!!”.

With my heart shattered into some million pieces, I laughed and said,” I am joking love..” She said,” No way, I don’t believe you”. Somehow I made her believe or that’s what I thought. So, we agreed that it was nothing and got back to being friends.

But after that, she wasn’t talking like she used to, our bond grew weaker and weaker like a candle’s flame in wind and she just sort of left me while being there at the same time and I still tried to hold onto her with the broken pieces and as a 10th grader, I was not that mature as the rest of my peers and it was pretty traumatizing for little me.

As they say, “Time Heals”. I healed up gradually but I decided not to get into a relationship for a while and before I knew it, a year had passed. I was in junior year of my high school and I made another friend and I decided to learn from my past and not act as a desperate loner.

But again, I fell in love and it was shockingly similar feeling, I didn’t know that I could love someone else like this who is not her. This new girl was in my class,we started chatting on Facebook and grew exceptionally close ( according to me ) . I have always preferred chat as a better option to talk to someone I admire, maybe because I get all flustered when I talk face – to – face.

Anyways, I proposed her and she said yes! And for a while I probably was the happiest person on this planet , we were a couple now! “My wish is fulfilled, God loves me.”, I thought to myself.

But soon I noticed that something was odd about her

As I sunk deeper into our sea of love, I realized that there are other swimmers in it! She had an ex who was still in touch and they are nothing but “just good friends” now and whenever we are together, she mostly talks about him, but the moment when I actually realized that her subconscious preference is the other guy ,is during our chats, her replies are not so fast as they used to. She now takes almost 4-5 mins and that’s when I realized that she’s simultaneously talking with her BFF who for some reason became closer to her when she and I got together, maybe he felt that he will lose her forever and made his move. Anyways, I slowly left from her life like the sun leaves at dusk but here , darkness began in my life instead of hers. All the feelings that made me once feel happy seemed like a trap. I blamed no one but me for falling in love with just anybody who is nice to me. If I say that I cried that would be an understatement.

That’s when I made a huge list of the type of girl I will date and if even one trait is not there out of my huge list, I will NOT date her. No compromises!

I was pretty confident on this new list of mine and was sure that next girl will be close to the true sense of perfection.

Soon my college began and I made a small group of friends, there were 3 girls and none of those girls met even a single criteria of mine. Two of the people from my friend group already grew too close; Nicole and Jeremy.

They were always seen together and most of the time Jeremy used to carry Nicole’s purse and we all used to laugh but he was never embarrassed, he was happy. I particularly used to think ,” What a doughnut, I would never carry a girl’s purse like that”.

After some months, turns out that I was the smartest one among my friends and my projects were also very well done. And one day, Nicole texted me on WhatsApp asking for a math solution. I texted her back and some texts were exchanged for some days and soon we became too close. I didn’t realize but I was actually in love with her! I know, I shouldn’t be, and my mind was screaming NO! But as soon as she used to come online, the only sound I used to hear was from my foolish heart and before I realized , instead of Jeremy, Nicole was always seen hanging with me and I was the one who used to carry her purse. And like Jeremy, their laugh seemed numb, I was genuinely happy with Nicole. Nicole and Jeremy weren’t so close anymore. I used to dream about scenarios like introducing her to my parents and sometimes naming our kids and stuff. I was blind to the world, the only thing that existed worth any value was her. My only reason to wake up was meeting her and talking to her and to see her smile. But, I never proposed her.

One day, Jeremy and I were just hanging out and I asked,” Why aren’t you so close to Nicole as you used to be bruh?”

He replied that ,” She suddenly distanced herself from me bruh, I myself do not know the reason bruh”.

We talked some more and eventually he opened up to me and confessed that he loved Nicole and seeing him talk about her, I felt his love for her. He then said something that shook me to the core. He said that maybe she left him because she no longer needs him as she found someone smarter than him.

At that moment , as if my eyes truly opened and I realized that she is treating me the same way she used to treat him and not just that but she is overly close to every professor, most good looking guys and most of the guys who are performing well in college. I was just one of his toys!

Since that day, I started noticing her and saw many incidents, she does talk to anyone who can be used as a ladder and tries to give them her body just enough that they ask for more!

All the clues were in front of me and yet a small part of me was in disbelief until one day, we went to an ice cream shop, all us friends and the guy looked our age who flirted in a friendly manner with her and said that he might end up giving discounts to a pretty lady like her and to my surprise, before we left, she exchanged Snapchat with him!

Me and Jeremy looked at each other and no words were exchanged but it’s almost as if we used telepathy because we were feeling the exact same feeling of heartbreak and anger.

My heart was broken yet again and this time, even though I thought I was numb to the pain, it hurt. Why do I fall so easily? How cruel this world is? Why me? And a tornado of such depressing thoughts engulfed.

I then decided to never fall for any girl, never open myself up. Now, I will hurt them instead of getting hurt.

And after that day, I got several girlfriends during college , I either ghosted them or broke up but never fell in love.

Now, I am mature enough to know what kind of girl, I should open up myself and what kind I absolutely should avoid or atleast that’s what I think that I’ve learned.

Don’t fall in love if you are not ready.

Prize Banks

Thanks for reading slice of my life.

This is my first blog and I have tons of more stuff to tell but I am not sure if my blog will be read by many as I am a total newbie and have no audience but if by any chance, this blog works out I will be back with tons and tons of stuff. Till then, Farewell..

Thanks again and I hope you have a nice day reader and yeah smile more, it suits you!